Agony Aunt #2: Relationship Appraisals

How to improve our attitudes and approaches to relationships? Pull up a pew whilst I impart my infinite wisdom on how NOT to approach relationships. Grab a cuppa, settle in.

Whilst chatting with a friend, they were bemoaning their repeated toxic behaviours in relationships, which ultimately ended up sabotaging what could have been a good thing. Yes, that friend was me.

I started dating when I was deep in my academic perfectionism 'era' (excuse that phrase - I HATE it, partly due to its Taylor Swift connotations). 15-year-old me was trapped in the self-pressuring cycle of chasing academic perfection. An early manifestation of my Daddy issues, some would say. The concept that you could ALWAYS improve, given the right feedback, whilst motivating in an academic context, set me up for some major falls in my personal life.

After my first MAJOR break up with my first love, I created a 'relationship appraisal' form... I wish I was joking. I conjured up the idea on the 324 bus from Edgecliff to Watson's Bay, sitting by the window, feeling sorry for myself, listening to something self-indulgent (Hozier?). I thought it was an excellent idea (this was mere months before my psych ward admission, but I don't think that's relevant... right?). I sent it to him saying "This hasn't ended optimally for either of us. Could you please have a think about the below, so I can improve and learn in preparation for my next boyfriend'.

It had categories; 'relationship with your family', 'relationship with your friends', 'physical appearance', 'was I a good girlfriend?', and most mortifyingly...

'Quality of kissing'

I want to cry. Didn't expect to dive into the embarrassment archives today.

Needless to say, he refused to give me any feedback, which was deeply irksome. And possibly responsible for my car crash relationships henceforth? Oh my God, it's ALL his fault? Shall I invoice him immediately for my weighty therapy bills? He was weirdly clever so he's probably loaded. Shall label it as a 'one-off philanthropic contribution to rectifying your early mistakes'? Has a nice ring to it.

Ok, please let's move on, I'm sweating re-living this. The point I'm inarticulately trying to make, is that I am not great at learning from my mistakes in relationships. Or any part of my life, to be honest. It's taken two major painful breakups in the last two years to help me understand it... I never amended my behaviour. I didn't think I had to? I thought the 'right' person would love ALL of me, but I don't think such a Saint exists in such a simple way. I expected them to automatically 'get' my complicated head and tend to my insecurities and abandonment issues (thanks Daddy!). All whilst trying to be the 'perfect' girlfriend, surprising them with lovely treats, being deeply loving and committed. It was confusing for them. Superficially, an easy-breezy fun girlfriend. The reality was far from it.

You'll be glad to know that I didn't supply either of these exes with aforementioned 'Relationship Appraisal' form. I've sort of filled it out myself. And that's quite exciting.

We are all complicated. Shaped by our experiences. I'm not saying you must squish yourself into a 'socially acceptable girlfriend' mould to make yourself loveable and worthy. Far from it. The right person WILL love all of you, but they will also love the process of learning about your attitudes to relationships, and you theirs. Going forward, I shall endeavour to indulge in curiosity about relationships, instead of repeating a 'tried and tested' (but ultimately, useless) model. I will be more honest about my head. I will be more transparent about my needs. Perhaps a new approach shall be good?

Chances are, I'll re-read this in 8 years, still single, and throw my laptop out of the window.

Until then, apologies for this slightly bizarre stream of consciousness (am v. hungover).

(by the way, I still have the appraisal form (colour coded - duh?) if anyone would like to see).

Au revoir x