Texting My Ex: A Case Study In Bad Decisions

In Shakespeare's legendary tragedy, Hamlet soliloquises:

"To be (in a secret texting relationship with an ex), or not to be (in said illicit texting relationship with an ex), that is the question"

And yes, that is the exact transcript. No further questions at this time please.

Another thought, what about making it a fun game show! Imagine a studio audience, a panel, jazzy jackets, tacky music. The audience chant, in an almost cult-like manner

'Text, your ex, text, text, your ex'

After a gruelling relationship post mortem, the panel decide whether you should text them. If it's a yes, they drop in from the ceiling like some sort of Bond villain (simply fabulous), a total shock for both you and the audience.

That could be fun! A new format! Or is it just late and I'm deliriously coming out of a fever daze (yes, I have a cold. Poor, poor me...)?

Anyway, I think I'm doctoring Elizabethan literature and coming up with new TV formats because, actually, I'm quite embarrassed to write about this.

I've always prided myself on having fairly strong self control (until it comes to Maltesers), however there's something about the gratification of texting an ex and getting a nice reply, that becomes almost irresistable. What does it all mean?

Obvious explanation, upon receiving a reply, is that he still loves me and is obsessed with me. Right?

Maybe it's more of a 'woah, ok, message from Chloe. How strange. Guess I'll reply and see how she's doing'

Realistically it's 'she's either after a shag or she's having an episode'.

Am I... a pest? Mentally ill? A mentally ill pest? A single mentally ill pest?!

*quiet screaming*

Enough energy spent forecasting their reactions to said text, what about me?! I sat in bed for half an hour last night, phone in hand. After a day feeling sad about one ex, I decided to divert energy towards another (logic?...).

I reached out to lovely Emma, who I was hoping would talk me out of it. I gave her 90 seconds to reply, and then promptly pressed send anyway:

"Hi stranger. How's things?"

Yup. I'm cringing too, dont worry. Stranger? Cliché much. In the words of Ferg: 'Come on Lamb. You're better than this'.

10 minutes passed, and then I received 11 messages from Emma. Highlights being:

"If you message him I'll think you're an absolute fuckwit"

"I will not support it"

and

"We discussed being celibate TODAY"

As previously touched upon (Chloe Lamb: Professional Dumpee - excuse the plug), I struggle letting go of things.

I've tried all possible methods when attempting to stay in touch with an ex. Not meaning to brag, but my repertoire is pretty extensive, and includes, but is not limited to, the following:

1. Messaging his Mum 'Happy Birthday'

2. 'Drunk' pocket-dialling him (sober, 10pm, pyjamas and peppermint tea in hand)

3. Messaging him directly, claiming to have seen an EXACT lookalike of his Dad, which "compelled me to message him"

4. Messaging his godfather for career advice

5. Calling him to express how sorry I was that his dog died (saw whilst lurking on facebook with all the other low lifes and boomers).

6. 'Finding' items of clothing and needing to reunite them with their, and I quote, "rightful owner".

   (One time, this backfired. Sent a picture of some nice boxers I could SWORN belonged to him. "Not mine..." was the reply. Now am not only desperate, but a slut. A desperate slut. Excellent)

   
   

   This is not an exhaustive list, I could go on, but for the sake of my dignity I shall stop. This won't be a long post, but it's just a note to show that getting over people is fucking hard, but contact is addictive.

   Even last night, although I had unsent the messages, I was glued to my phone. And for what? There's no chance for rekindling, nor would I want there to be. So why do I want to do it?

   To justify the fact that I was still important to them at a time?

   To prove I haven't been forgotten?

   Because I'm desperately insecure and use relationships (including historic ones) to both validate and add meaning to what, often, feels like a chaotic and slightly rudderless life?

   
   

   Yeah. That's probably right.

   
   

   So, this is your CTA to stay away from Whatsapp, no 'browsing through old chats' on Messenger, ignore Snapchat (infact, delete Snapchat, you're not 14, have some self respect). These relationships are in the past for a reason. They didn't work for a reason. Have faith in your past self's judgement, and don't do yourself a disservice by undermining all of the hard work and healing you did to get here.

   
   

   Wow, randomly preachy. That was more for myself than anyone else.

   
   

   Bye for now!

   
   

   Update:

   OH MY GOD HE REPLIED

   You know what this means?

   HE STILL LOVES ME AND IS OBSESSED WITH ME.