Things that embarrass me

Embarrassment is woven into our beings, as young (using young loosely at this point) women. I thought the end of the teenage years would herald the end of this for me. Apparently not.

I actually also think it's worse for people like me (#victim), who can't cope with silence in any sort of social situation, so will fill it with an endless stream of inappropriate anecdotes. Recently, I'd organised a pub trip for my MA course, and instead of relaxing into the reality that some silence was probably inevitable at a table of 14 people who don't know each other, I launched into a story about a Hinge date that ended in me shouting 'retard' (in relation to myself, promise!). I was met with silence and...

"We don't use that word"

Bad. Very bad. Thought I was going to be cancelled. Think they've given me another chance. But I did tell the whole room to shut up in a seminar last week. Twice. It's not looking good.

Anyway, I thought I'd make a small list of some of the things that I find embarrassing.

1. I like milky tea. I said it. When you're having social tea (vs solo tea), this simply isn't an option. When someone's pouring the milk, I always end up 'saying when' early because of the shame.

2. I find it near impossible to end a conversation with someone I've bumped into. Is it just a 'Hey!' and walk on? Or a 'Hey, how are you?'. AND if they are the one asking how I am, do they actually want to know? Or do they just want 'good thanks!'.

   1. Once I bumped into an acquaintance in Boots who asked how I was, and I said 'Yeah good thanks! I mean, I think I'm pregnant but I guess we'll see!'. And then if they have company, at what conversation length do you introduce yourself? 30 seconds? It's a social minefield.

3. I love shopping. The browsing. The endorphin hit when you press 'order'. The anticipation the day Royal Mail say they're delivering it. Picking it up, knowing your life might be about to change by how devastatingly attractive you're going to look in this top. Even the returns - an easily achievable thing to add to the to-do list?

   1. You keep it? You feel fantastic and have an excellent addition to your wardrobe - bonus if it was in the sale.

   2. You return it? You're productive, fiscally responsible, and you're £30 closer to putting a deposit down on your first house.

4. I love attention. Someone flirting with me in a smoking area? Even if they're actively repulsive I will have a good flirt, and leave it probably too long before being clear that they won't be snogging me. A 27-year-old shouldn't be this responsive to flattery. It's slutty.

5. Not liking fish. Even the smell makes me nauseous. I was in Sainos yesterday amidst the hilarious 'apocalyptic stock-up' hysteria. As you can imagine, the tinned aisle was heaving. I even heard someone say to their wife "this tuna only lasts two years" and then put it back? I would rather starve then eat tuna. I'll eat stinging nettles; I'll eat my own arm.

6. Not liking tinned fish. This deserves a new point because not liking fish implies just being a fussy eater (which I would still argue I'm not). Not liking tinned fish in 2026, on the other hand, is deeply unsophisticated. It's not cool. It's not chic. It's embarrassing.

7. I've got a few grey hairs. I don't want to talk about it.

8. I'm always early. More on this here: Chronic Punctuality. That was written two years ago. Still haven't learnt. It's just so lame, Chloe. Subtext is - has nothing going on in her life, lonely, neurotic. Think I might try to stage some 'exposure therapy'-related situations. Make myself late. The level up to this is - make myself late - and then refuse to over-apologise... fuck me. Radical.

9. Admitting I have no idea about current affairs. I always blame it on doing a Politics degree - "I needed a break from the news". That break has been 4 years. Alternatively, I will have listened to one podcast about a specific issue, and will attempt to bring it up in every social scenario - example below:

   1. Waiting for the train or a bus: “Funny, this is exactly the sort of thing that’s being funded by defence. Apparently transport capital budgets are being raided to pay for it.”

   2. Seeing a Navy ship, or even another ambiguous big vessel in the harbour: “Yet another ship being repaired. Short-sighted fund allocation, once again."

   3. Pub quiz, any question involving percentages: “Speaking of percentages, the government says 2.7% of GDP on defence, but that apparently counts intelligence spending. The actual military figure is nearer 2.2%.”

   4. Any mention of Russia, drones or the news: pause, sip your drink, and say “I’d say it’s more complicated than that” while having no further information.

10. Oversharing on the internet.

That concludes today's list of what embarrasses me.

Bye.