Chloe Lamb: Professional Oversharer

It’s 10am. I’m currently sitting on the grassy verge of the A30 waiting for the AA to save me. I’ve also just flashed both lanes my bottom while having a wee. Being this sophisticated is tough, but someone’s got to do it.

I thought I’d kill some time and write a wee blog on arguably one of my most aggressive character flaws- oversharing. Pull up a pew.

I spent yesterday with my pal Daisy. We chewed the fat - big questions like, should she have told a man on their first date that her bum was sweaty? Probably not. Should I have asked my colleagues in our office about an acceptable time frame to think about anal sex with a new boyfriend? Again, probably not.

I’ve been chasing the ‘chic mysterious girl’ label for some time. I think it’s finally time to let it go.

During my second week at my job in the ad agency in London, I had a UTI. This - and my desperate vaping addiction - meant frequent loo trips. I got it in my head that my boss thought I was slacking, work-shy, or even worse, addicted to vaping. I wandered over to Erin (bless Erin, what a delightful woman) and tapped her on the shoulder.

Hi, I just wanted to explain why I’m going to the loo so often today! I’ve actually got a really awful UTI!

I think what’s even more alarming about this is that I didn’t even get home and go ‘holy shit, I shouldn’t have said that’. It went largely unnoticed, un-dwelled on, because in the scheme of my chronic oversharing, this simply didn’t warrant that much angst.

And that is our problem.

As Dais and I discussed, we are open books. Books so open, the spines are warping, screaming to be shut. In the context of a glass of wine with friends, it’s great! Endearing! Amusing!

On dates? Alarming. Confronting.

So I thought I’d share with you some highlights of my oversharing over the years, with context:

1. I was on a date and he was saying ‘I don’t understand what girls keep in their bags’ so I thought I’d show him mine. A show and tell, if you will. Wallet, cigarettes, lipstick, blueberry Nakd bar (probably 6 months old), lip balm I’ve had since 2015, portable charger. I saw a tube of Canesten and instead of thinking ‘probably should skip this one’, I pulled it out and said ‘you never know when you’re going to get thrush’.

   
   

2. At the hairdresser. I took her friendly chat to mean we were clearly best friends, failing to realise that her job is friendly small talk. We started talking about laser hair removal and I just blurted out that I’d like to get laser on my nipples.

   
   

3. At the beach (a few years ago) as a tag-along with one of my friend’s group of uni mates. I had a bottle of water, and someone asked for a sip. I gave it to them but warned them it was one of those electrolyte sachets. As they sipped, I launched into an unwarranted explanation of the fact I’m on lithium because I have bipolar, and then proceeded to explain the science behind lithium and kidneys and salt and why electrolytes are really important for bipolar people in hot weather, and THEN outlined all the signs of lithium toxicity. She asked no follow-up questions. We re-joined the general group chit chat.

4. At a wedding. 6 or so years ago. One of my aunt’s friends asked about my love life in that classic ‘elbow nudge, eyebrow raised’ way, expecting a superficial summary. I went on to give a 5+ minute explanation about why the boy I’d been shagging for 6 months didn’t want to be my boyfriend, and how it was really bothering me, and I then linked it to my issues with my Dad.

   
   

   Chloe? Shut. The. Fuck. Up!

5. Was at a pub. Queue for loo was soooo long (one of the many perils of being a girl) that I just did a wild wee behind the pub. Then I sat down at the table and blurted to the boy I was planning on shagging that night: ‘I just pissed all down my leg!!!’.

   We did not end up shagging.

Finished writing this at 7pm, in a taxi home from Cornwall, a full 9 hours after I broke down. And coincidentally, as much of today was spent wild weeing by the road, I can indeed confirm, I have piss all down my legs.

Good night x