Chloe Lamb: Professional Student
Hey guys. Chloe Lamb 2.0 is here. She's got Unidays and Student Beans redownloaded, her campus card in her pocket, and a reliance on M&S Food that will challenge her student budget. Pull up a pew.
So... I am starting a Masters tomorrow. I'm going to try and get good at writing so I can make money from it. Excellent plan, no?
I have been really excited about this move. Being by the sea is going to be good for me. Actually, I energetically approached the lifeguards at Gylly beach - yes, one of them was very handsome, and no, it's not related - and told them I used to be a lifeguard on Bondi and now I'm living by the sea again I'd love to get back into it! They then asked me what my qualification was, and when I got it, as I may just have to do a light conversion course as Aussie skills will surpass RNLI requirements, not the whole thing again.
I had two options: 1. Tell them it was 11 years ago and I haven't lifeguarded since and risk embarrassment and disapproval. 2. Tell them I was a patrol captain 2 years ago and risk killing someone on a Cornish beach because I was clearly lying.
I obviously went with number 2 and walked away. I now can't go back to that beach. Fuck.
Now I'm writing this, I've realised this hasn't been my only Falmouth faux pas. I moved into my flat this weekend, and have had no wifi or signal / data. Could I load a recipe for a croque monsieur I'd been obsessively craving? Could I listen to My Dad Wrote A Porno? Could I call someone crying about feeling disconnected from everyone? Ironically, NO.
I decided I'd take my laptop to a pub, use their wifi to download a few episodes of Fresh Meat (PSA guys, it's leaving Netflix on 27/9). I sidle up to the bar, and the bar tender asks me how I am. I always struggle with the 'do they actually want to know' or 'are they filling the silence as my beer pours'. He looks genuine and kind, so I slump onto the bar and say:
"I have had one of the worst days of my life"
He looks taken aback. I pray he doesn't ask any further questions.
"Oh yeah? What's happened"
I started rambling about how my parents left this morning (Chloe you're 27!! Why did you lead with that!!) after moving me into my flat, and I've had no contact with the outside world - how i'd had to walk 5 minutes to get enough phone signal to call EE (lovely Florin from EE Customer Service was very sympathetic) - and swiftly realised how insane I was sounding... Chloe you've actually lived through some shit - this is NOT the worst day of your life? Immediate panic. Options:
Say my Brother died? An objective lie... also I do sort of have brothers now and imagine if one of them swallowed a wasp and died of anaphylaxis and it was my fault?
Brain still in 'death'mode. Say my Dad died? In fairness, can't jinx it as it has happened, but feels morally dubious.
Say my boyfriend cheated on me with my sister? Quite a good story, but the bartender was hot, so I don't want to lock myself in the 'grieving / psychotic' box in case he wants to ask me on a date.
Say I've broken my leg? It will become abundantly clear very quickly that I'm a compulsive liar.
I ended up lamely tailing off with 'yeah so if it's ok I'm just going to sit outside and use your wifi and drink lots of beer (alright legend!!!!!)'. Lo and behold, their wifi was down. I sat and drank my pint as quickly as poss, and obviously wasn't brave enough to tell him the wifi wasn't working when he came and asked how my beer / downloads were going.
ANYWAY, wow, tangent. I, at 27 years of age, went to the Freshers Fayre last week. It was, and I cannot emphasise this enough, awful. First of all, the campus is SO badly signed. I had no idea where I was going. But there's nothing more humiliating than appearing lost? So I walked every direction with such purpose, at one point, I ended up back in the car park, so I just turned around and speed-walked off. Finally made it into a mezzanine level of a hall and was offered a donut (said no, skinny legend), and the only stalls I walked past were the Christian Union, the Catholic Society, and Crochet Club. Heart rate must have been in the 140s at this stage. The headnoise was loud:
You're so lost and this campus is always going to be a maze, and you'll never make any friends unless you turn to Jesus, and you look soooooo old...
I've just spoken to one of the best voices of reason / facilitator of delusion (you know a friend is special if they can deliver both sides of that contradiction) who said:
She's so right. I will find my Diving Society (scuba = my future), and my International Politics Society (a weekly 2-hour meeting that I will inevitably attend twice then lose momentum). Although, just realised in the horror show lineup of C's (sorry God), I didn't even find a choir?!
Ok, enough on the Freshers Fayre. I don't know why I expected it to be any different to the Durham 2019 one, where I got free pizza and signed up for 20 societies with a gaggle of my mates, at 20 years old. At 27, being uni-friendless, it was never going to be great.
So, yes. My course starts this week. I can see my class list, but that's all. I, with the help of some existing friends have, chosen my new best friends, based on names alone. I've decided I won't share their names- coz of a) GDPR, and b) what if they read this and decide to cancel our blossoming friendship because I gave them an entire personality before we'd been in the same room together, but there's one guy I know will be cheeky, fun and good company at the pub, and a girl who I get instant funny cool vibes from.
Planning my day 1 outfit. I want it to scream:
Cool / Chilled / Good tits / She likes the outdoors but has also lived in London / She doesn't vape
It's a funny one, starting from scratch in a new place... fundamentally it's very exciting. The situation may become less exciting if I continue making a tit out of myself, end up friendless, and eventually end up turning to Jesus.
Amen.
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