I traumatised my neighbour today

Writing from a place of pure hysteria. Pull up a pew.

As everyone in the UK knows, it's stupidly hot at the moment. I was just (literally 10 minutes ago) carrying my stuff down from my bedroom to my sitting room, chasing a cooler night's sleep.

I hear a knock at the door. I'm wearing a little vest, and pants. We can all relate to that moment - heart racing - what do I do? Do I pretend not to be here? Do I run and grab some shorts, at risk of looking rude for making them wait?

I did the only reasonable thing - I looked down at the sheet and pillow I was carrying and, in a moment of pure disproportionate panic, just wrapped the sheet around myself and ran to the door. I looked like I was going to one of those toga parties.

It was Martin, my delightful neighbour. He looked at me and went "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?" and we both had a giggle. I tried to justify the outfit by saying I wasn't wearing any pants (WHICH WASN'T EVEN TRUE, I DID HAVE PANTS ON, JUST NOT SHORTS).

He was giving me neighbourly advice that I should close my car windows, to which I responded "but the car gets so hot overnight"...

Like... Chloe? Firstly, he must think you're staggeringly stupid — she doesn't understand that temperatures actually drop at night, AND she has no concept of security? I'm really damaging the 'independent competent young women' label I've been trying to earn.

Anyway, he apologised for the third time for "disturbing me," which I'm now realising was because I didn't explain my lack of pants/shorts — God knows what he thinks I was doing before he knocked!! This is so awful ahhh!!

REGARDLESS, it got worse. As we said goodbye, I turned around, looked down, and realised my boob (no hyperbole, literal nipple exposure) had been out most of the time. In my horror I took my eye off the ball and semi-tripped on my doorstep, and the whole sheet came off as I ran in and slammed the door.

You know when you see on TV - some noughties American film - an older character talking to a young boy, and they say something along the lines of 'when you're faced with big emotions and feel the need to punch someone, you should count to 3 and take a breath, and then act'.

Next time your doorbell rings, count to 3 and take a breath before you open the door in a toga with your boob out.

Sweet dreams.