Thanks so much! You shouldn't have...

lambchloe99
Feb 15
4 min read

Updated: Mar 19

Pull up a pew and let's talk all things presents and gifting.

I. Love. Presents.

So much so that I even went to university with a bag of presents for people I had NEVER EVEN MET, in case they had an October birthday and I wanted to give them a lil something

during freshers. C'est très tragique (it's hard being bilingual, but someone's gotta do it).

Giving, receiving - I just bloody love it. I have, however, both given and been given a fairly bizarre - some might even say traumatising - collection of presents over the years. Here are some highlights (or lowlights, which is probably more fitting) of presents over the years.

Chronicles of the Tiny Jumper

Starting off easy. An ex of mine’s lovely mum gave me a jumper for Christmas. It was gorgeous—Jigsaw, cashmere, the works.

I unwrapped it and immediately thought, surely this is from the children's section. It was tiny. Then I thought, oh my GOD, it IS for a child and she thinks I’m pregnant! The jumper is for her future grandchild! My mind was racing at a million miles per hour. She looked eagerly at me as I did a gushing 'thank you'. Then she said, "Go on then! Try it on!"

Aha. Not from the children's section. More like the anorexics’ section—an XS? Me? Hold on, does she think I’m skinny?! Small wins, small wins. I squeezed the jumper on, and we all just awkwardly stared, not knowing what to say. I was literally the elephant in the room.

The Gargantuan Teddy Bear

My boyfriend and I's 3 month anniversary was coming up. I'd obviously assumed we werent celebrating it... it's 3 months... chill out. I came home from a lecture one day, to this in my bedroom.

Yep. That's a 6'4 teddy bear. I hate teddy bears. He spent £80 on a joke. Total disaster as had to cart said teddy bear around for the next 3 years. Finally managed to palm him off (despite the black mould on the back) to my Head of Sixth Form's 6 year-old daughter.

Nappies

Not naming names, but one of my dear friends has had a few accidents over the years. For her birthday, I thought it was funny to buy her adult nappies. That's good chat, right?!

Wrong.

Whilst buying said nappies in Boots, I was waiting for a prescription, and bumped into someone I vaguely knew from uni. We exchanged pleasantries - the classic 'we must get a coffee!' while both of you pray the other one doesn't follow up. She clocks the nappies. I was in turmoil: what should I do? Do I address it, and explain they aren't for me? Must avoid 'the lady doth protest too much' trap. I hurriedly made my excuses, leaving without my prescriptions. You think it can't get much worse?

It did. I cycled home, with the nappies and flowers in a paper bag over my handlebars. Eejit over here didn't think about the whole wet flowers + paper bag = disaster equation. As I cycle past a busy pub, the bag breaks and everything falls onto the pavement. I awkwardly stumble off my bike and run to pick them up, but a very lovely (and veeery handsome) man comes to help.He picks up the nappies, looks taken aback, hurriedly gives them back and returns to his gaggle of friends. Moments later I hear roars of laughter and a lot of eyes on me as I cycled away.

Was it worth it? No. Went down like a sack of shit (quite literally), and aforementioned friend, nor anyone else in the room found it as funny as I did.

A 16-Piece Purple Sex Toy Set

Yep, you read that right. It was my ex and I's 2 year anniversary. We were both poor students (he was probably still financially recovering from the teddy bear) so we set a £30 limit. He was a rugby referee so I got him a personalised whistle. Ahh, how sweet. How thoughtful.

All the boys in the house had been a big giggly and cagey that day. I didn't think anything of it. It gets to the present exchange. I goes first. I open this 16-piece PURPLE sex toy set, with alien finger extensions and some traumatising butt plugs. I never took a photo of the whole set, but this will give you an idea.

I honestly didn't know how to respond. I felt embarrassed when he then opened my very lovely present. So did he. It wasn't good.

A Romantic Weekend Away...

I'm a believer in little trips as nice presents. Partly because I like going away, and it's a good excuse - gotta love a bit of selfishness disguised as lavish generosity.

I planned a surprise weekend in the Pennines for my boyfriend. On a social, the night before we were leaving, a friend drunkenly says to my boyfriend: 'Enjoy the Pennines!'

It was doomed from the start. Serves me right for telling everyone I had ever met what my plans were.

The night before, I slaved away making potato dauphinoise for our steak dinner on the 1st night. The next morning, they had turned blue.

We ended up, despite being stuck in the snow for an hour in my little polo (lacking substantial snow tyres), getting to the Airbnb just before dark. I had vaguely mentioned to the boys I lived with that maybe they should come and surprise him. We woke up the next morning, to a pretty magical snowy winterscape... and banging on the door. Morley, Ferg and George arrive, beers in hand (it's 11am). The weekend went downhill from there: someone drank the sediment of the birthday port and vomited in the fireplace. Someone else did the worm naked in the snow. Another paraded around in MY underwear, leaving nothing to the imagination.