Chloe Lamb, The Facebook Menace

Pull up a pew and join me as I scroll through the excruciating embarrassment that was my early foray into social media. Laughs encouraged, to justify the humiliation.

I got Facebook in 2010, age 10. My babysitter set it up for me. Hilarious sidenote - her whole family had the most bizarre names. Ordinarily parents (named something like Tom and Sue) came up with, to name just two, Capability-Jack, and Bo-Jangle (birth names, printed on passports etc). I wish I was joking. Pure brilliance.

Anyway, borderline negligent to unleash 10 year old Chloe Lamb onto Facebook.

Below is a series of the more humiliating posts - God knows why I'm drawing attention to this - but hey, no such thing as bad press right?

Who are you talking to?

How agonisingly dull

Who. Fucking. Cares.

Chow. CHOW. No words.

Also, you may notice that I've thrown myself a 'like' in there for a few posts. Doing a preliminary audit, turns out I liked almost 80% of my own posts. Tragic. You think all of this is bad? You've seen nothing yet...

What the actual fuck does this even mean? Must go back and analyse the whopping 4 likes and 3 comments.

I'm back. A boy from primary school commented "wtf that sounds really rong" (top markets for spelling there Dan). How right he was. Does beg the question, however, how did I have such foresight to predict my second boyfriend's sexual capabilities?

Sorry, no, that's mean.

12 year old me, obviously a virgin (my Mum said I should clarify this, despite the obvious contraceptive, boy-repelling role my posts were playing at the time. Also, I was 12), posted this on the internet. What a little slut. Can't say the warning signs weren't there...

So, use this as a CTA to access your Facebook archives. Can't say it's made me feel particularly well. In fact, I feel quite sick.

Brb, running to the loo.